Technologically Unadvanced

I realized something really funny this weekend. Well, I didn't realize it, someone told me. I've been having tons of problems with my msn, it keeps randomly deleating people, or all of a sudden people will be there three times. It's really annoying. Anyway, a few of my Prov girls were here this weekend, and Christina looks at my msn, and tells me "Kendra, you're still using windows messenger.... not only that, but it's also not even an updated version". Yeah, I think I was using the oldest version of windows messenger that ever existed!!!! I had the realization that hit me very, very quickly, that I know nothing about technology. I don't get it. It makes no sense to me. It was really bad.

I also realized that the thing that I hate most, is when people need to talk to me about something that I really would love to avoid. The worst works I could ever here is "Kendra, I really need to talk to you", and if they aren't laughing or smiling, it's always a bad thing. I don't often get put in the middle of situations, people don't usually go to me to talk about their problems, maybe it's because in general, I'm really not the most compassionate person. Anyway, it doesn't happen often, and I'm definately happy about that. Why can't people just talk to eachother? Why can't we just be honest, and tell eachother how we feel? You know, that's really funny coming from me, because I HATE talking to people about issues. AHHH, don't want to think about that.

Hmmm, I think I had something else to say. I can't remember, but I really should go. No shave November is drawing to a close, and I think I'm definately happy about that. I started having dreams about my hairy legs. It's time to get rid of them (the hair, not the legs). I think I'm too tired to be writing this today.

Blessings

I really should be going to bed. I'm so tired. For any of you considering going into science....make sure you can function on small amounts of sleep. I sure didn't know what I was getting into when I started this thing. Had a good evening. Went to Faith Covenant church, they had a college and career thing this evening. A guy from Prov (from last year) was doing it. It was good, even just to get out and not be sitting at home. I sure do that a lot. I need to try to get out a little more. But right now I guess I have to keep my focus on school, I can hang out with people later, only about two more weeks to go. AND praise Jesus, Melissa Dyck said that she would help me with Chem, I'm really confused and I have no idea what the difference between a Polymer, Protein or what bonding and antibonding orbitals are!!!! So thankful. Melissa, if you ever read this, thank you, you are amazing!!! I'll owe you!!! Well, it's only 11:30, I should do a little calculus before I go to bed. Talk to ya'll soon!

What Have I Become?

I'm so happy to be home. I don't like having to go to school. I don't mind the classes, but it sucks having to go home in the rain. I enjoy rain, but I'm not too much a fan of walking in it when it's cold outside. I sure do hope that it snows soon!!! I had a good weekend, but, it was a weekend where I've been reminded of many things. It's sad to see where I am. I've fallen short in so many areas. It's sad to see that in myself. I have so much work to do on myself. Yeah, me and Lori updated the prayer list last night, and it sure has gotten long!!

Yeah, and when did I become this really boring person??? Sorry for all of you that have hung out with me lately. I don't think I've always been like this. I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I'm just a boring person that has no life!!! I don't like that. But besides going and getting drunk (which I'm not into!) what do people actually do??? Hmmm, I have no life. Well, besides Happy Trio practices.....

Sleep's On My Mind

Yeah, it's been a crazy week. I'm so tired. I had to look at stars tonight. That's right, sitting in a field for two hours. I think I had on three sweaters, a long sleaved shirt, and my winter jacket. I haven't been dressed that warm in such a long time. I'm just really tired now. Oh, I passed my Calculus exam!!!! I got 46 out of 60!! I couldn't believe it. So I guess I'm staying in that class after all, it just means tons of studying for the final. Hmmm, I'm tired, I need sleep. I'll write soon.

Good Things

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I like that one. Yesterday Lori and I were watching Princess Diaries (yes, I know, I've watched way too many movies lately), anyway, the dude told Mia that. I had forgotten that. I know that I sometimes let myself feel bad about myself, and I know that it's a choice that I make, but it's really hard to stop making that choice and just choose to decide that I'm good enough. Hmmm, that's why I called this blog "the exceptional life", because I often forget that God made my life exceptional, and I don't need to feel bad, because I am exceptional, not because I did anything, but because God made my life exceptional. Isn't that exciting!!!

Yeah, I just finished my last Chem lab report for this semester, I just have to do a pre-lab, it's due tuesday, when I do my lab, but because it's the last one, we have to had that lab report in before we leave..... so after tuesday, I'm all done chem labs for this semester!! What am I going to do, I'll get to sleep in!! And it's my last Astronomy lab on thursday, and I have to hand in that report before I leave too, so I'm going to have so much free time!! Well, mostly I'll have extra study time!!

Time to stop procrastinating!!
Have a great Sunday!!!

Even When

I just heard this song today, and I was really touched by it, it's exactly how I feel. I especially like the chorus.

Even When
by Seven Places

This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best
from me, from me

[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord I am here for You
I exist for you

I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life and have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence, the least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]

Ramblings

I have realized this weekend how easy it is to let yourself feel bad. It's a choice that we make, and we can choose to make ourselves feel like crap, or not. I don't want to feel like this, I hate feeling horrible. It's like, the second we let our guard down, the devil just slips right in and tells us lies that we choose to believe. Why do we do that to ourselves? We're supposed to be ready to fight at any time, "put on the armor of God". But the thing is, that if the devil can turn us against ourselves, he has nothing to worry about, cuz we'll take ourselves out of the fight. Does that make any sense? I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Why do we make ourselves feel bad? Why can't we just be happy with ourselves and the way our lives are? I guess at the same time, we shouldn't be completely satisfied, cuz if we are, then we're never striving to get better, to grow closer to God, and to improve our lives and attitudes. I have too many other things to worry about, and I don't need to feel like this now. And I know what the "good Christian" answer would be: just pray, it'll be ok. But the thing is, it's way, way harder to actually do that and believe it, than it is just to say it. Doing that takes time and effort, it's not just something that happens by itself (at least not for me).

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm saying that I don't believe in God, because that would be the furthest thing from my mind right now. I have no doubt that God exists and is present in my life. I see His influence in my life everywhere... in my friends, where I'm living, my family, and in general just the way that my life has gone. I know that God works in me, and that He believes in me, it's just hard sometimes to believe in myself. I'm just like most people (I think anyway), we are usually harder on ourselves than we are on others. I guess because we know more of what we are capable of. I know that I am capable of more than I'm doing right now, I'm just so tired (and no, not physically....I got 11 hours of sleep last night!!) I'm just tired of thinking. I definitely want to change some things in my life, but by the time I get home and when I have time to work on things, I just want to sleep, I don't want to think anymore, I just want to shut down.

Hmmm, maybe that's part of the problem, I think my priorities are a little messed up. I know school isn't the most important thing in my life, but it's just so easy to let it be. I mean, it's what's going on right now. But I shouldn't let it be everything, I was talking to Marcia the other day, and we were talking about school and what we want to do with our lives. And even though I'm in school right now, that's not what I want to do with my life, I just want to get a job with that. There are so many other things that I actually want to DO with my life. I want to work in a youth group, get more involved in church stuff, I want to help people. It's just so hard right now, because I'm working for some job for the future, but because that's taking up all my time, I can't even get involved in the stuff that I actually am passionate about, what I really want to do with my life. It's really frustrating. So it becomes really easy to mix up my purpose for life. My purpose is NOT to go to school and get good marks (not that I should just waste my time now, I'm very blessed with the opportunity to go to school, and I need to do my best), but that's not the thing that's the most important to me. So easy to get that confused.

Well, I should go, I feel better though, sometimes just talking (or typing) and remembering what's important in life makes me feel better. Wow, this got WAY longer than I wanted it to. Time to get back to chemisty and sp orbitals....such thrilling stuff!!!

Headaches

It's true, it's starting, the perminant stress headache that plagues me, and won't leave. At least this time it shouldn't stay as long as last time, my guess is that it'll probably leave tomorrow at about 6:30, right when my calculus exam is over.

I see the clock is ticking, and I'm not getting homework done by sitting here, so this has to be short. I think this weekend, I learned a very valuable lesson...well, I didn't really learn it, I was just reminded. Don't treat people in ways that you wouldn't want to be treated. I know it's very basic, but it will always come back, and that's when you realize that even making jokes about situations can be a very bad thing. We are humans, people, loved by God, and we need to treat eachother with respect and dignity, not like just an object. People are far, far too precious to be treated like that. Hmmm, maybe more on this later if I feel like it....

Quick Note

So, apparently people seem to think that it's funny or very enjoyable to correct my spelling. Well, I know that I'm a horrible speller, and I've accepted that. I realize that you guys are just trying to be kind, but if it really bugs you, you probably should get used to it, becuase I don't think I'm going to get better anytime soon!!

Ah, I have to go. It's been a crazy day!

My Thrilling Life

I think I had a revelation today. Here goes: You know you have no life, when the most exciting thing you've done in 6 days, is go to McDonald's for supper. If you hadn't guessed by now, that's what I did today, and it was really fun!! Lori and I went today, I didn't feel like eating the food I have here, and neither did Lori, so we went to McDonald's. Yeah, and I think the girl at the till had NO idea what she was doing, it was kinda funny to watch.

I'm kinda sad, the girls from Prov were supposed to come and visit me tonight, but I told them that it didn't work for me now, because I needed to study. I hate that, I just wanted to see them, and take a break, but I can't, if I do that, my homework (well, studying) doesn't get done. I miss them. But it sounds like they'll be coming on Remembrance day, which is fine with me, cuz I don't have school that day!!!

Did I ever tell you guys that it's no-shave-november (aka. no-shavember)? Yep, that's right, me and the girls I live with aren't going to shave our legs this month, and then we're going to wax them!! Oh, this is serious, if someone backs out, they have to pay for pizza for everyone!! Yeah, I know, between trips to McDonalds, and no-shavember, I really have an exciting life!! (that was sarcastic for all of you that didn't understand). But we're excited about it.

Yeah, I really should get back to studying, it seems like it's going OK, but I don't know, I guess I'll find out on Tuesday how prepaired for this Calculus exam I really will be. I'm sure you guys will all hear about it (whether or not you want to!! - cuz this is MY rant page, so get used to it, just kidding!!)

Ok, enough of this.

Life Or Something Like It

Well, it's a new day.... well, it was a new day, I guess it's just about over already. I wonder sometimes how I can have so many hours, yet still seem to accomplish nothing. Like today, I didn't have to go and look at stars, so I had many hours of studying to do (of course with a study break to watch the OC!!) But now, it's 9:00 and I still have hardly studied, how does that happen?? I need to work at being more dedicated. Some people complain about the lack of motivation to do homework and such, I don't have that problem, I have the motivation, and I'm determined to pick the game up a notch, I just seem to lack something else, I don't really know what it is.

Maybe I just feel like all my hard work is going towards nothing, I feel like I can't see the end, I can't see a break. I think I've worked harder this year than ever before, so why can't I finnish things? So why am I'm so unsettled right now, I don't know what the problem is, I just don't have a peace about anything, like there's something else I'm supposed to be doing right now, but I don't know what it is. Does anyone else feel like this? I don't know, I just pray that God will show me the reason for this burdon, and what it's all about, because it's hard to sit and wait, and not know what's going on. Will peace ever come?

We were talking in our college and career group what when we thing about "good" or "strong" Christians, what we imagine them having. I keep feeling like if I'm doing things right, that I should have more peace. Why do some people get peace, why do I have to feel weird? I want to live the life that Christ has planned for me, and I want to grow in the ways I'm supposed to, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I think something big will happen soon, just don't ask me what. Maybe I'm just too impatient. I feel like I know some of the things I want to do with my life, I just can't right now, because I'm in school, maybe I just need to wait. Maybe I just need to make the most of every opportunity I'm given, I can't just sit around and wait.

As Dr. Phil would say: "Today is a changing day." Maybe I'll make it one.

The Rants of A Science Student In Need Of Hope

Fear. I don't think that I'm more afraid of anything than failing. I don't think I can deal with this. I'm really scard right now. I don't know how I ever thought that I could take as many classes as I am and still do ok. I've definately realized that I can't do this. I need some help here. I know that God's always here helping me, but at times like this I really wish that God could tell me answers for Calculus questions. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Yeah, I'm going to try to talk about happier things. School sucks, I don't want to think about it anymore. Hmmmm, what's happy news right now???? I actually don't have any. Or maybe I'm just distracted by the pressures I'm feeling right now. I don't understand how some people can just party all the time and still pass all their classes. All I do is homework, and I'm still behind, and I haven't studied for my quiz that I have tomorrow, and I'm not done my lab that's due tomorrow, and I've hardly studied for my Calculus exam that I have on tuesday. Oh dear, how do people do this?? Ok, so I guess that this is turning into a rant. Sorry to all of you that actually want to hear something interesting.

I really should go to bed or I might start to cry, I need a break, but can't have one. There's too much that needs to get done.

Oh wait, I do have happy news. Amid all that bad marks that I got last week on my exams I did get one good one!! I found out today, I got an A on my astronomy exam!! I couldn't believe it, I definately was speechless, the exam that I was least prepaired for I did the best on!! Life's crazy. I got 21 out of 25. Oh happy day! It's times like that when I don't doubt that I'm doing the right thing by being here, but then I remember all my classes that I have so much work to do, and I question if I'm doing the right thing. I just need a rainbow, a little bit of hope that everything is going to be ok. That I'll pass my classes, and I'm not just wasting my time and money. Maybe tomorrow......