Ramblings
I have realized this weekend how easy it is to let yourself feel bad. It's a choice that we make, and we can choose to make ourselves feel like crap, or not. I don't want to feel like this, I hate feeling horrible. It's like, the second we let our guard down, the devil just slips right in and tells us lies that we choose to believe. Why do we do that to ourselves? We're supposed to be ready to fight at any time, "put on the armor of God". But the thing is, that if the devil can turn us against ourselves, he has nothing to worry about, cuz we'll take ourselves out of the fight. Does that make any sense? I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Why do we make ourselves feel bad? Why can't we just be happy with ourselves and the way our lives are? I guess at the same time, we shouldn't be completely satisfied, cuz if we are, then we're never striving to get better, to grow closer to God, and to improve our lives and attitudes. I have too many other things to worry about, and I don't need to feel like this now. And I know what the "good Christian" answer would be: just pray, it'll be ok. But the thing is, it's way, way harder to actually do that and believe it, than it is just to say it. Doing that takes time and effort, it's not just something that happens by itself (at least not for me).
Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm saying that I don't believe in God, because that would be the furthest thing from my mind right now. I have no doubt that God exists and is present in my life. I see His influence in my life everywhere... in my friends, where I'm living, my family, and in general just the way that my life has gone. I know that God works in me, and that He believes in me, it's just hard sometimes to believe in myself. I'm just like most people (I think anyway), we are usually harder on ourselves than we are on others. I guess because we know more of what we are capable of. I know that I am capable of more than I'm doing right now, I'm just so tired (and no, not physically....I got 11 hours of sleep last night!!) I'm just tired of thinking. I definitely want to change some things in my life, but by the time I get home and when I have time to work on things, I just want to sleep, I don't want to think anymore, I just want to shut down.
Hmmm, maybe that's part of the problem, I think my priorities are a little messed up. I know school isn't the most important thing in my life, but it's just so easy to let it be. I mean, it's what's going on right now. But I shouldn't let it be everything, I was talking to Marcia the other day, and we were talking about school and what we want to do with our lives. And even though I'm in school right now, that's not what I want to do with my life, I just want to get a job with that. There are so many other things that I actually want to DO with my life. I want to work in a youth group, get more involved in church stuff, I want to help people. It's just so hard right now, because I'm working for some job for the future, but because that's taking up all my time, I can't even get involved in the stuff that I actually am passionate about, what I really want to do with my life. It's really frustrating. So it becomes really easy to mix up my purpose for life. My purpose is NOT to go to school and get good marks (not that I should just waste my time now, I'm very blessed with the opportunity to go to school, and I need to do my best), but that's not the thing that's the most important to me. So easy to get that confused.
Well, I should go, I feel better though, sometimes just talking (or typing) and remembering what's important in life makes me feel better. Wow, this got WAY longer than I wanted it to. Time to get back to chemisty and sp orbitals....such thrilling stuff!!!
Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm saying that I don't believe in God, because that would be the furthest thing from my mind right now. I have no doubt that God exists and is present in my life. I see His influence in my life everywhere... in my friends, where I'm living, my family, and in general just the way that my life has gone. I know that God works in me, and that He believes in me, it's just hard sometimes to believe in myself. I'm just like most people (I think anyway), we are usually harder on ourselves than we are on others. I guess because we know more of what we are capable of. I know that I am capable of more than I'm doing right now, I'm just so tired (and no, not physically....I got 11 hours of sleep last night!!) I'm just tired of thinking. I definitely want to change some things in my life, but by the time I get home and when I have time to work on things, I just want to sleep, I don't want to think anymore, I just want to shut down.
Hmmm, maybe that's part of the problem, I think my priorities are a little messed up. I know school isn't the most important thing in my life, but it's just so easy to let it be. I mean, it's what's going on right now. But I shouldn't let it be everything, I was talking to Marcia the other day, and we were talking about school and what we want to do with our lives. And even though I'm in school right now, that's not what I want to do with my life, I just want to get a job with that. There are so many other things that I actually want to DO with my life. I want to work in a youth group, get more involved in church stuff, I want to help people. It's just so hard right now, because I'm working for some job for the future, but because that's taking up all my time, I can't even get involved in the stuff that I actually am passionate about, what I really want to do with my life. It's really frustrating. So it becomes really easy to mix up my purpose for life. My purpose is NOT to go to school and get good marks (not that I should just waste my time now, I'm very blessed with the opportunity to go to school, and I need to do my best), but that's not the thing that's the most important to me. So easy to get that confused.
Well, I should go, I feel better though, sometimes just talking (or typing) and remembering what's important in life makes me feel better. Wow, this got WAY longer than I wanted it to. Time to get back to chemisty and sp orbitals....such thrilling stuff!!!
posted by Kendra at 2:34 p.m.
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