Walking and Thinking

I was thinking of something I had read this summer. I was thinking about a statement that the author made (I don't have the book here, so I don't have a direct quote for you) it was that people sometimes feel like God is holding out on them. I was walking home from school, talking to God as I walked (I do this without noticing, so I think people sometimes think I'm crazy...oh well). I felt God asking me if I think that He's holding what I really want back from me. I remember that I had the thought that it sure felt like it sometimes. No sooner did that thought come to mind then did the question: do you think God is good and loving?

I was thinking about all of this and I truly believe that God is good and loving. I really believe that it's not that God is holding things back from me that I really want. (sorry if you're missing the connection in my thoughts, it's a bit random, but it all makes sense in my head). It's not even that I'm not necessarily ready for what I want, it's just really that the timing truly isn't right. As frustrating as that is for me, I just can't get away from that...timing. Something I learned about myself this summer with the help of some good friends is that my solution to any problem is to work harder, to fix the problem, to do better. Sometimes there's really just not a problem that needs to be fixed, I just have to wait for the timing that's necessary. This really frustrates me. I can deal with working harder, I know how to do that. I know what to do when there's something that needs to be fixed. I don't know what to do when there's not necessarily anything wrong. I guess the only thing to do is live.

That's a topic that's been on my mind the last week. It's time for me to start living. I've been hibernating the last year, and that time of my life is just about done (or at least I hope it is), and now I get to start living! Give me 21 days and I get to live! I am so excited!

Just Being The Stupid Girl!

Sometimes I feel like everyone knows something and I'm just missing it. Do you know what I mean? It's like it should be so obvious, but I'm just not getting it. Sorry I'm being vague, but I don't really know what I'm talking about either, I'm not sure what I'm missing, but I feel like I'm just missing something, and I'm not sure what. Hmmm, I think I just need a break from school, my mind is getting all messed up.

Anyway, on to better topics. On monday in my lab, I think my lab partner and I fried a piece of equipment. We had our circuit hooked up wrong, and there was sparks and noises, and smells that shouldn't have been there. After that it didn't work. Oops! But, it really might not be our fault, half the equipment in the lab doesn't work anyway, maybe it didn't work to begin with! (I'm hoping) It doesn't really matter though, it's not like they'll make us pay for it. Besides we're the only girls in the class, and I think that they think we're stupid to begin with, so we might as well just play it up!

It's A First

Today a girl that I talk to in one of my classes asked me when I graduated, and I told her, and it was the same year that she did. She was just very surprised because she had thought that I was older than her. I don't think I've ever been mistaken for being older than I am. So, I have to write about this now, and get it all out (...that's right, fart it out...) before I'm going to be able to study. I don't want to be mistaken for being older than I am, I'm only 21!!! I think I have a problem with this because I think I have the perception that people who seem older (but aren't) are boring. I'm not saying that people who are older than me are boring, but I think I associate people that seem older with being boring. I don't want to be boring!! Maybe she thought I was older than I am because I don't go out getting drunk or because I have goals and I know what I want and I'll do whatever it takes to get them, or because I live on my own (she still lives at home), I don't know. It just kinda bothers me.

I think this is the funniest thing, I hate being mistaken for being really young, but I also don't like to be mistaken for being older than I am. I just want to look and act 21! Hmmm, I don't know what to say. I don't like this.