I had a really good weekend. I actually thought that it would suck because I was in my house all by myself this weekend, but it was actually really good. I've decided that I could live by myself if my friends weren't in school anymore and if I would have lots of people I could do stuff with in the evenings. Anyway, so my good weekend. On Friday, Marce and I went to the Kutless concert. Saw tons of people that went to Prov at the same time as me (I didn't know them, but while I was at Prov I did feel the chest of one of the guys...but that's another story). I don't really remember what the girl leading worship talked about, but I do remember what God told me through her. That afternoon I got my first essay back that I have written in a VERY long time (I was really nervous about getting it back, essays aren't my thing, and I had a nightmare that I got 4.4/10 on it). Anyway, I did really well on the essay, and I'm super pumped about that. The point of this story is the comment my professor made about my essay, she said that I had very good organization and that my writing style was clear and expressive. When I read that, I thought to myself: "I couldn't describe it better myself!". I'm not the person who writes amazingly creative things, I don't write captivating things, I can just write organized and clear (must be those lab reports I've written). So, back to the concert (this writing isn't going to be very organized), I remember thinking: "I'm not the creative person, but God is, he is the ultimate creator, imagine that creativity". I can't even imagine what crazy plans God has for me, and I'm so excited about that, I don't need to be the creative one, God's got that all taken care of.
I was reminded of something else at that concert, that afternoon, one of those people called and wanted to do a survey, I usually say no, but I did it this time. It was about happiness. One of the questions was about if my dreams were being fulfilled. I was supposed to answer very much, not at all, that type of thing. So I was thinking about my answer, and I said to her: "I'm living my dream, I have everything I've been working toward". Not to say that I don't have more goals that I'm continually working toward, but right now, I'm doing exactly what I've dreamt of doing. I'm living my dreams. Anyway, the lady didn't like that answer, so I had to tell her that my dreams were very much being fulfilled (or however the question was worded). Back to the concert again, they were talking about God's plans for our lives. I thought, no matter how scared/excited I am about everything that's going on in my life, I really think this is exactly the place God wants me right now. Yes, there are things I want that I don't have right now, but God, the ultimate creative amazing God, has dreams for me that include my dream, but are so much bigger. I can't see the whole dream, I'm just living a tiny slice of it right now. I needed to know that right now.
So, as this post is getting very long, I need to say the other thing I learned this weekend. I went to church on Saturday night this weekend, and the pastor talked about the things that wreck us. You know, those things that we see/hear and we just can't stand it and we just have to do something. Those things that evoke a passion in us like nothing else. The things that we just HAVE to do something about, because we just can't stand sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing. I was thinking about this, about the things that wreck me (and if I even let myself be wrecked by things). I think lately I've been living in a way that doesn't let myself be wrecked by things. But I've been thinking back, particularity to Prov. I don't know if there was another time in my life that so much passion has poured out of me. I think of one night in particular. I was in the library, I think talking to Bethany, but I don't really remember (yes, I know, talking in the library, I'm bad). We were talking about dreams for our lives, I think. I remember that my answer was that I think God has something big planned for me. I'm not meant just so sit back and do nothing, God has a big purpose for me. (yes, I know that sounds crazy, and also by big, I don't mean like Billy Graham, but just that my life would have a big impact on someone). That thought's always been in the back of my mind. I remembered it this weekend. That thought was one of the reasons I applied to Education. I'm so scared, but I know that to have a big impact I need to take big risks. But I think I learned this weekend that it'll take more than just a job that gives me an opportunity to make a difference in some people's lives, I also need to find what wrecks me, and live that, because
that's how I'm going to make that difference in my student's lives. It's been so long since I've been really stirred by something, I only vaguely remember what does it for me anymore. But, I have a feeling that I'll be reminded soon.
I think that everything I learned this weekend fits together: dreams, God's creativity, and what wrecks me. But, I'm still working on that. I think that's for another post. I need to think about that a little longer.
